Weekly roundup

FURTHER THEFTS FROM THE MARINA

This week there have been two further thefts from the marina and two expensive bikes were stolen on Monday night with thieves cutting through the bike locks. There is no joke to be made about this, clearly it’s not funny. But it is becoming one of a number of issues which are creating doubts about the ‘modernity’ of the marina, and as people start to leave next season the marina may have to buy themselves some positive reviews in order to counteract what I have no doubt will be negative ones.

HUSBANDS PEDOMETER ACCURACY CALLED INTO QUESTION

A local man has been forced to download an additional pedometer app in order to confirm his regular exercise routine. His wife allegedly stated ‘there’s no way you’ve walked that far’. A marina stepwatch group is in the process of being formed where all sightings of the husband can be registered and collated in order to back up his claims. A poster of the man (whose identity we have chosen to protect through fear of reprisals) will be placed in the marina office with a hotline number to ascertain if he is moving or indeed standing still waving his hands up and down to try and fool the apps. The on-site psychologist commented that if the man was trying to dupe the system the only person he’s cheating is himself.

SOLO SAILR TAKES ANGLE GRINDER TO BOOM

In a dramatic turn of events a lone sailor who arrived in the marina on Tuesday was seen chopping in half his badly damaged boom. Severe winds had caused the boom to bend and buckle creating irreparable damage. It’s now lying on the dock side in two looking very sorry for itself. This sail boat is now going nowhere until a fundamental part is fixed, after all, no boom means no sails which means no sailing!

BRITISH BOAT OWNERS IN QUARANTINE

In order to stop the spread of further illness in the marina, the owners of a British boat ‘Kuta Of Carrick’ put the boat on lockdown to avoid the spread of cough and cold germs into the marina. All communication to the boat was conducted at a safe distance and when the a visit to the ‘facilities’ was required the ringing of a bell and shouts of ‘unclean’ could be heard. The wife could be heard saying that on this one occasion she wished her husband had kept a lid on his generosity.

MISCOMMUNICATION (ALMOST) CAUSES BULK BUY OF ANUSOL!

Our next door neighbours are cleaning their gas locker and rusted bottles. The husband has suggested that they paint the rust to save the bottle and the wife has suggested they buy some Hammerite paint. He was subsequently heard to ‘haemorrhoid paint, did you say haemorrhoid paint, what good will that do?’. Perhaps she knows the power of the cream that the rest of us are unaware of.

WIFE NOMINATES HERSELF FOR GOLD MEDAL

In a feat of sheer willpower and determination, I, of zero fitness level managed to get through a 30 minute cardio workout without loss of life. There was however the loss of copious amounts of sweat – who knew a forehead could create such torrents of water. A mop was required at the end of the session to soak up the surrounding puddle and 24 hours later the buttocks are suffering from the squat pulses, but the sense of achievement was equivalent to that day I passed my driving test!

TUNA HAUL UNCANCELS CANCELLED BBQ

Having cancelled Sundays BBQ an hour before it’s starting time at 5 due to the rain and gusts, a knock on the back of the boat resurrected the event. A catamaran had just come in with a haul of 20 tuna which needed to be cooked. With the weather having improved, By 7 the charcoals are burning and 40+ people are sitting around enjoying freshly cooked tuna and the normal BBQ fare. It just goes to show how adaptable and community minded this little corner of Spain is.

EVERYONE HAS THEIR NEMESIS

Some 13 months after arriving in the marina, I may just have found mine! Just the odd sentence here and there, just a minor exchange so far, but there is a good chance this could get messy! More to come on this in future weeks I have little doubt.

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