News Headlines

BICYCLE STOLEN FROM MARINA – Husband found to be guilty party (according to wife!).

A marina resident, who didn’t want to be named, but between you and me it was Val’s husband Cliff, was spotted searching the marina. Following some intense investigation, I.e. we asked, we discovered that Vals bike had been stolen from the marina. Our intense interrogation found that said husband had in fact left the bike unlocked and the opportunistic burglar struck in a 20minute period. There is a lead in the case, but unfortunately the local establishment i.e. the marina did not take the crime seriously and no further action will be taken. The victim will now make a claim against the lapse in judgement by her husband who by way of punishment will have to buy her new bike.

In order to prevent further thefts it has been noted that one marina resident is now covering her bike in glow in the dark butterfly stickers in order to deter any potential thieves, I mean who else would want to ride it (her words not mine).

OAP TAKES A TUMBLE WHILE TRYING TO RETAIN HIS YOUTH

A 75 year old Norwegian (nicknamed ‘The Viking’ by local residents) was spotted arriving at last nights Tapas night in roller blades. Determined to show off his skills and the flashing wheels of said skates he proceeded to perform a turn at speed in the road. Unfortunately his ambition exceeded his talent and a minor collision took place involving the pavement and said Vikings backside. Actually this would be more fitting in the entertainment section, because it was hilarious.

PLAGUE OF AIRPORT MOSQUITOS CREATE A NEW WORLD RECORD

Craig Dawkins has now beaten his own world record number of mosquito bites following a visit to Murcia airport. The current infestation taking place at the location led to the original world record of 23 bites being exceeded by 4. In honour of his achievement Mr Dawkins was presented with a supply of Savlon anti bite cream, for which he said he was very grateful.

INVESTIGATION TO BEGIN ON THE CASE OF THE MISSING SHOE

Local resident, Donna, has reported that one shoe may have been kidnapped or stolen from her shoe collection. A preliminary search has taken place but there are no further leads at this time. A further and more thorough investigation is planned for the weekend and whilst this will be time consuming the investigation team said ‘the time will be justified if said item is recovered, as to be honest this was an expensive pair of shoes, and the emotional distress that the left shoe is feeling as a result of the loss of its partner is heartbreaking, we will of course keep you updated on the investigation as it proceeds.

MAJOR CLIMATE CONTROL PROJECT TO BE UNDERTAKEN

Some local residents have recently undertaken the construction of a F.A.R.T or fresh air redirection Tunnel, most commonly known as a windscoop, the purpose of which is to divert air into the cabin below. Currently in the planning and design stage on the next boat to undertake the challenge, the residents of Kuta Of Carrick said they were very much looking forward to taking part in the project and they had no doubt it would be a F.A.R.T to be proud of on completion. Off the record Mrs Dawkins did comment that it was a shame that the F.A.R.T was coming at the end of the season and not the beginning.

MEETING HELD FOR THE INAUGURAL OCTOBERFEST

The first Octoberfest committee meeting was held this week in readiness for the event which will take place on Sunday 28 October. Following a lack of control and direction during the meeting, a self appointed Chairwoman was found who attempted to steer the meeting back on track and keep the meeting from running on for literally hours! A local psychologist commented that this was possibly the only opportunity these women had had lately to be in control and have their voices heard, consequently it was only natural that some of them would not shut up. We will have a reporter on hand to cover the event on the day.

BREACH OF TRUST

It was reported this week that an allegation had been made by Mrs Dawkins that she had been duped into taking part in an event that was not as described. Mrs Dawkins has described how last Sunday she had agreed to do some line dancing over the lunch time period as she thought it would ‘be a laugh’. At the end of the event Mrs Dawkins described how she felt that using the term linedancing was in fact a breach of the Trades Description Act. What the session had been was in fact a mini aerobics class which only resembled linedancing due to the heel/toe movements and some moves with vaguely country and western style names such as ‘the giddy up’. Mrs Dawkins felt that had she been told that the byline of the session was ‘Dance off the inches’ she would have least worn more appropriate clothing and not knee length jean shorts. She also commented that she is grateful that she did not buy the Stetson and cowboy boots that she was originally intending to purchase. She is considering her options at this time and may make a claim against the embarrassing level of sweat that she lost during the session.

In tomorrow’s Friday edition providing the reporter returns safely we will have a report on how the Discover Scuba session goes. So come back tomorrow folks!

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